The best time to start thinking about
your retirement is before your boss does.
— Anon wise and funny person
Stupidity is too often beauty's imperfection.
— French proverb
There are two great pleasures in gambling: that of winning and that of
losing.
— French Proverb
Talking about your troubles is no good. Eighty percent of your friends don't care and the rest
are glad.
— Tommy Lasorda
Fame
is chiefly a matter of dying at the right time.
— Unknown funny person
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
— Evan Davis
You think your job is tough — try trading with Ernie Zelinski. His job is not working, and he's been
doing it successfully for the last 14 years.
— Keiko Ohnuma, Business Writer, Oakland Tribune writing about the book
The Joy of
Not Working and it's author
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not
dying.
— Woody Allen
No one has a higher opinion of him than me — and I think he is a jerk.
— Dave Erhard
My fake plants died because I did
not pretend to water them.
— Mitch Hedberg
Santa Clause has the right idea. Visit
people only once a year.
— Unknown wise person
Last night I stayed up late
playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
— Steven Wright
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
— Dorothy Parker, Résumé
Everyone denies that I am sane. But no one — including me — ever claimed
that I was.
— Unknown Wise Person
Have a great and productive day, if you haven't made other plans in the mean time.
— Anon
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a
little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
— Dennis Wholey
I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
— Edward Albee
Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores?
They are pale, skinny people who look half
dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy
people.
They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.
— Bill Cosby
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable
that we have to alter it every six months.
— Oscar Wilde
Of ten bald men, nine are deceitful and the tenth is stupid.
— Chinese proverb
Better a bald head than none at all.
— Austin O'Malley
A woman is always buying something.
— Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
America has become so tense and nervous it has been years since I have
seen anyone sleep in church — and that is a sad situation.
— Norman Vincent Peale
The two women exchanged the type of glance women use when there is no knife handy.
— Sydney Smith
My
retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.
— David Letterman
All the Good-Paying Jobs Start Way Before I Get Up.
— T-Shirt seen on a bum
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to own one.
— W. C. Fields
What is truth?
I don't know,
I don't care,
It doesn't make any difference,
and I am sorry I brought it up!
— Something the Buddha should have said but didn't
You probably won't hear opportunity knock; if the television set is
always on.
— Anon funny person
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names,
and . . . I don't remember what the third thing is.
— Fred Allen
I've discovered a way to stay friends forever —
There's really nothing to it.
I simply tell you what to do
And you do it!
— Shel Silverstein
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make
an exception.
— Groucho Marx
Don't die.
— William M. Gaines
Zeal is fit only for wise men, but is found mostly in
fools.
— Thomas Fuller
Sex is nobody else's business except for the three people involved.
— Graffiti
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the
other fellow of a dull one.
— Sid Caesar
Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and
despised.
— from the book
How to
Retire Happy, Wild, and Free
It's been so long since I made love I can't remember who gets tied up.
— Joan Rivers
Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in
publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these
industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER.
— Dave Barry
Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
— Homer Simpson
While he was not dumber than
an ox, he was not any smarter.
— James Thurber
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
— Nicholas Chamfort
You have to live life to love life and you have to love life to live life.
It's a vicious circle.
— Unknown funny person
Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty.
I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle
and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say,
"No one — except the Lord."
— Carol Leifer
God cannot alter history but historians can.
— Samuel Butler
I am pure genius sometimes — but always humble.
— Anon funny person
My kid beat up your honor student.
— Bumper Sticker
One of the best ways to forget about all your troubles is to
wear a pair of extremely tight shoes.
— Anon
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
— Nick Arnette
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
— Steven Wright
Life is an hereditary disease.
— Graffiti
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
— W. C. Fields
Clothes aren't dirty unless someone sees you in them.
— Logica Paini
Many years ago a very wise man named Bernard Baruch took me aside and put
his arm around my shoulder. "Harpo my boy," he said, "I'm going to give you three pieces of advice, three
things you should always remember." My heart jumped and I glowed with expectation. I was going to hear the
magic password to a rich, full life from the master himself. "Yes sir?" I said. And he told me the three
things. I regret that I've forgotten what they were.
— Harpo Marx
Talking about your troubles is no good. Eighty percent of your friends don't care and the rest are
glad.
— Tommy Lasorda
Never confuse movement with action.
— Ernest Hemingway
No, Ernest, don't talk about action. . . . It is the last resource of
those who know not how to dream.
— Oscar Wilde
When somebody says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," it means they've got other things to do
first.
— Mark Schiff
The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must
say something or bust.
— Josh Billings
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
— Unknown wise person
Bring down the curtain, the farce is over
— Famous Last words of François
Rabelias
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
— Jane Wagner
In the fight between you and the world, bet on the world.
— Frank Zappa
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.
— Josh Billings
What's the use of being a genius if you can't use it as an excuse for
being unemployed?
— Gerald Barzan
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a
genius.
— Sid Caesar
In my youth I hoped to do great things; now I shall be satisfied to
get through without scandal.
— Walter Bagehot
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
— Satchel Page
Experience is something you get too late to do anything about the mistakes you made while getting
it.
— Anon
This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is
a disease from which we all recover.
— Dorothy Fuldheim
I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes
of others.
— Dame Edna Everage
Someone left the cork out of my lunch.
— W. C. Fields
How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
— George Burns
If you don't think too good, don't think too much.
— Ted Williams
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it
makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by a few days.
— Garrison Keillor
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never say any
reason to limit myself.
— Emo Philips
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long
enough.
— Groucho Marx
Life moves pretty
fast; [if] you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it.
— Matthew Broderick
HOW TO BEHAVE IN AN ELEVATOR
1. Face forward.
2. Fold hands in front.
3. Do not make eye contact.
4. Watch the numbers.
5. Don't talk to anyone you don't know.
6. Stop talking with anyone you do know when anyone you don't know enters the elevator.
7. Avoid brushing bodies.
— Layne Longfellow
Don't take yourself too seriously — and don't be too serious about
not taking yourself too seriously.
— Howard Ogden
An alcholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
— Dylan Thomas
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
— Elbert Hubbard
There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that
line.
— Oscar Levant
You know your party is out of control when people you don't even know ask you how the shower works.
— Buddy Baron
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be
the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an
added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people
who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
— Groucho Marx
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
— W. C. Fields
If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will let you
alone.
— Ernie Pyle
When your I.Q. rises to 28, sell.
— Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
What do women want? Shoes.
— Mimi Pond
I take my pet lion to church ever Sunday. He has to eat.
— Marty Pollio
Had your forefathers, Wigglesworth, been as stupid as you are, the human
race would never have succeeded in procreating itself.
— Alan Bennett
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It's about
Russia.
— Woody Allen
Only the most foolish of mice would hide in a cat's ear. But only the
wisest of cats would think to look there.
— Andrew Mercer
When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.
— Robert Byrne
You can never be too paranoid.
—C. E. Crimmins
Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
— Frank Dane
He's such a hick that he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom.
— Anon funny person
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
substance.
— Tony Brown
Hell is other people.
— Jean Paul Sartre
The first requirement of a statesman is that he be dull. This is not
always easy to achieve.
— Dean Acheson
Of course there is such a thing as love, or there wouldn't be so many
divorces.
— Ed Howe
I love AA meetings . . . that’s where all the drunk sluts
are.
— Graffiti in men's washroom
Laughter
alone makes you feel good but the world thinks you're an idiot.
— Bumper Sticker
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
— Mark Twain
The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.
— Calvin Trillin
Astrology is not an art, it is a disease.
— Maimondides (1135-1204)
How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty
years gotten enough to eat and escaped being eaten?
— Logan Pearsall Smith
In Buffalo, suicide is redundant.
— From an Unknown Chorus Line
Edmonton is not the end of the world but you can certainly
see it from there.
— Morticei Richler, talking about my hometown
[Edmonton:] A fine city with too many socialists and mosquitoes. At least you can spray the
mosquitoes.
— Ralph Klein, Premier of Alberta, talking about my hometown
I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked
them.
— Somerset Maugham
Better to be despised than forgotten.
— from St. Elsewhere
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is,
never try.
— Homer Simpson
Anyone with more than 365 pairs of shoes is a pig.
— Barbara Melser Lieberman
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a
rat.
— Lily Tomlin
No sane man will dance.
— Cicero
When a true genius appears in the
world, you will know him by this sign, that all the dunces are in confederacy against him.
— Jonathan Swift
Be kind and considerate to others, depending somewhat upon who they
are.
— Don Herold
Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean
kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I'll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.
— Charles Bukowski
Every prosperous person who does not work has a
creative scheme that does.
— John Otway
Most people sell their souls, and live with a good conscience on the
proceeds.
— Logan Pearsall Smith
I feel as I always have, except for an occassional heart attack.
— Robert Benchley
My Wife left me,
That I don't mind.
But taking the can opener
Was not all that kind.
— Graffiti
You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track, only to discover you're on the wrong
train.
— Unknown funny wise person
Suffering is overrated. It doesn't teach you anything.
— Bill Veeck
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.
— W. C. Fields
What a man misses most in heaven is company.
— Mark Twain
You're just jealous because the voices in my head only talk to
ME.
— Bumper Sticker
A WOMAN'S SINGLES POEM OR
PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and still gainfully employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
— Unknown Funny Person
A MAN'S SINGLES POEM OR PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. I know this
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
— Unknown Funny Person
