Sensational Quotes for Smart People

 

Funny and Humorous Quotes  

 Quotations for Speakers

First Top-10 List of Sensational

Funny and Humorous Quotes

#1 of Top-Ten Funny Quotes

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
— Will Rogers

#2 of Top-Ten Funny Quotes

To lose one parent is misfortune; to lose two parents is sheer carelessness
— Oscar Wilde 

#3 of Top Ten-Funny Quotes

Swallow a toad in the morning if you want to encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.
— Nicholas Chamfort

#4 of Top Ten-Funny Quotes

There is a misleading, unwritten rule that states if a quote giving advice comes from someone famous, very old, or Greek, then it must be good advice.
— Bo Bennett

#5 of Top Ten-Funny Qutoes

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.
 Mark Twain

#6 of Top-Ten Funny Quotes

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Bumper Sticker

#7 of Top-Ten Funny Quotes

RETIREMENT: When you have given so much of yourself to the Company that you don't have anything left that the company can use.
— Author Unknown

#8 of Top-Ten Funny Quotes

The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
— Mark Twain

#9 of Top-Ten Funny Quotes

I haven't met Mr. Right yet; but I have met Mr. Cheap, Mr. Rude, and Mr. Married.
Graffiti in women's washroom

#10 of Top-Ten Funny Quotes

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property.
Dave Barry

 

Funny Quotes Image

  Second Top-10 List of Sensational

Humorous and Funny Quotes 

#1 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.
— Eric Idle

#2 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

A fool and his money are my best friends.
— Unknown Wise Person

#3 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

I cannot forgive my friends for dying; I do not find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing.
— Logan Pearsall Smith

#4 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
— Oscar Wilde

#5 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

I could dance with you 'til the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows 'til you came home.
— Groucho Marx in the movie Duck Soup

#6 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger
— Song Title

#7 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
— Michael Pritchard

#8 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
— Garrison Keillore

#9 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

God cannot alter history but historians can.
— Samuel Butler

#10 of Top-10 Funny Quotes

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
— Unknown funny person

 

 More Sensational Funny

and Humorous Quotes 

Note: Also See Funny Retirement Quotes on The Retirement Quotes Cafe:

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.
— Anon wise and funny person

Stupidity is too often beauty's imperfection.
— French proverb

There are two great pleasures in gambling: that of winning and that of losing.
— French Proverb

Talking about your troubles is no good. Eighty percent of your friends don't care and the rest are glad.
— Tommy Lasorda

Fame is chiefly a matter of dying at the right time.
— Unknown funny person

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
— Evan Davis 

You think your job is tough — try trading with Ernie Zelinski. His job is not working, and he's been doing it successfully for the last 14 years.
— Keiko Ohnuma, Business Writer, Oakland Tribune writing about the book
The Joy of Not Working and it's author
 

Prosperity Through The Joy of Not Working

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not dying.
— Woody Allen

No one has a higher opinion of him than me — and I think he is a jerk.
— Dave Erhard

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
— Mitch Hedberg

Santa Clause has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
— Unknown wise person

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
— Steven Wright

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
— Dorothy Parker, Résumé

Everyone denies that I am sane. But no one — including me — ever claimed that I was.
— Unknown Wise Person

Have a great and productive day, if you haven't made other plans in the mean time.
— Anon

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
— Dennis Wholey

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
— Edward Albee

Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores?
They are pale, skinny people who look half
dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people.
They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.
— Bill Cosby

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
— Oscar Wilde

Of ten bald men, nine are deceitful and the tenth is stupid.
— Chinese proverb

Better a bald head than none at all.
— Austin O'Malley

A woman is always buying something.
— Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)

America has become so tense and nervous it has been years since I have seen anyone sleep in church — and that is a sad situation.
— Norman Vincent Peale

The two women exchanged the type of glance women use when there is no knife handy.
— Sydney Smith

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.
— David Letterman

All the Good-Paying Jobs Start Way Before I Get Up.
— T-Shirt seen on a bum

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to own one.
— W. C. Fields

What is truth?
I don't know,
I don't care,
It doesn't make any difference,
and I am sorry I brought it up!
— Something the Buddha should have said but didn't
 

You probably won't hear opportunity knock; if the television set is always on.
— Anon funny person

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and . . . I don't remember what the third thing is.
— Fred Allen

I've discovered a way to stay friends forever —
There's really nothing to it.
I simply tell you what to do
And you do it!
— Shel Silverstein 

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
— Groucho Marx

Don't die.
— William M. Gaines

Zeal is fit only for wise men, but is found mostly in fools.
— Thomas Fuller

Sex is nobody else's business except for the three people involved.
— Graffiti

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.
— Sid Caesar

Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised.
 from the book
How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

Retirement

It's been so long since I made love I can't remember who gets tied up.
— Joan Rivers

Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER. 
— Dave Barry

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
— Homer Simpson

While he was not dumber than an ox, he was not any smarter.

— James Thurber

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
— Nicholas Chamfort

You have to live life to love life and you have to love life to live life. It's a vicious circle.
— Unknown funny person

Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty.
I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle
and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say,
"No one — except the Lord."
— Carol Leifer

God cannot alter history but historians can.
— Samuel Butler

I am pure genius sometimes — but always humble.
— Anon funny person

My kid beat up your honor student.
— Bumper Sticker

One of the best ways to forget about all your troubles is to wear a pair of extremely tight shoes.
— Anon

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
— Nick Arnette

You can't have everything; where would you put it?
— Steven Wright

Life is an hereditary disease.
— Graffiti

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
— W. C. Fields

Clothes aren't dirty unless someone sees you in them.
— Logica Paini

Many years ago a very wise man named Bernard Baruch took me aside and put his arm around my shoulder. "Harpo my boy," he said, "I'm going to give you three pieces of advice, three things you should always remember." My heart jumped and I glowed with expectation. I was going to hear the magic password to a rich, full life from the master himself. "Yes sir?" I said. And he told me the three things. I regret that I've forgotten what they were. 
— Harpo Marx

Talking about your troubles is no good. Eighty percent of your friends don't care and the rest are glad.
— Tommy Lasorda

Never confuse movement with action.
— Ernest Hemingway

No, Ernest, don't talk about action. . . . It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.
— Oscar Wilde

When somebody says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," it means they've got other things to do first.
— Mark Schiff 

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
— Josh Billings

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
— Unknown wise person

Bring down the curtain, the farce is over
Famous Last words of François Rabelias

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
— Jane Wagner

In the fight between you and the world, bet on the world. 
— Frank Zappa

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
— Rodney Dangerfield

It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.
— Josh Billings

What's the use of being a genius if you can't use it as an excuse for being unemployed?
— Gerald Barzan

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
— Sid Caesar

In my youth I hoped to do great things; now I shall be satisfied to get through without scandal.  
— Walter Bagehot

Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
— Satchel Page

Experience is something you get too late to do anything about the mistakes you made while getting it.
— Anon

This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover.
— Dorothy Fuldheim

I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.
— Dame Edna Everage

Someone left the cork out of my lunch.
— W. C. Fields

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
— George Burns

If you don't think too good, don't think too much.
— Ted Williams

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it
makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by a few days.
— Garrison Keillor

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never say any reason to limit myself.
— Emo Philips

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
— Groucho Marx

Life moves pretty fast; [if] you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it.
— Matthew Broderick

HOW TO BEHAVE IN AN ELEVATOR
1. Face forward.
2. Fold hands in front.
3. Do not make eye contact.
4. Watch the numbers.
5. Don't talk to anyone you don't know.
6. Stop talking with anyone you do know when anyone you don't know enters the elevator.
7. Avoid brushing bodies. 
—  Layne Longfellow

Don't take yourself too seriously — and don't be too serious about not taking yourself too seriously. 
— Howard Ogden

An alcholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
— Dylan Thomas

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
— Elbert Hubbard

There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line.
— Oscar Levant

You know your party is out of control when people you don't even know ask you how the shower works.
— Buddy Baron

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce  and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
— Groucho Marx

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
— W. C. Fields

If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will let you alone.
— Ernie Pyle

When your I.Q. rises to 28, sell.
— Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler

What do women want? Shoes.
— Mimi Pond

I take my pet lion to church ever Sunday. He has to eat.
— Marty Pollio

Had your forefathers, Wigglesworth, been as stupid as you are, the human race would never have succeeded in procreating itself.
— Alan Bennett

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It's about Russia.
— Woody Allen

Only the most foolish of mice would hide in a cat's ear. But only the wisest of cats would think to look there.
— Andrew Mercer

When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.
— Robert Byrne

You can never be too paranoid.
—C. E. Crimmins

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
— Frank Dane

He's such a hick that he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom.
— Anon funny person

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
— Tony Brown 

Hell is other people.
— Jean Paul Sartre

The first requirement of a statesman is that he be dull.  This is not always easy to achieve.
— Dean Acheson

Of course there is such a thing as love, or there wouldn't be so many divorces.
— Ed Howe 

I love AA meetings . . . that’s where all the drunk sluts are.
— Graffiti in men's washroom
 

Laughter alone makes you feel good but the world thinks you're an idiot.
— Bumper Sticker

Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
— Mark Twain

The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.
— Calvin Trillin

Astrology is not an art, it is a disease.
— Maimondides (1135-1204)

How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years gotten enough to eat and escaped being eaten?
— Logan Pearsall Smith

In Buffalo, suicide is redundant.
 — From an Unknown Chorus Line

Edmonton is not the end of the world but you can certainly see it from there.
— Morticei Richler, talking about my hometown

[Edmonton:] A fine city with too many socialists and mosquitoes. At least you can spray the mosquitoes.
— Ralph Klein, Premier of Alberta, talking about my hometown

I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them.
 — Somerset Maugham

Better to be despised than forgotten.
— from St. Elsewhere

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is,
never try.
— Homer Simpson

Anyone with more than 365 pairs of shoes is a pig.
— Barbara Melser Lieberman

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
— Lily Tomlin

No sane man will dance.
— Cicero

When a true genius appears in the world, you will know him by this sign, that all the dunces are in confederacy against him.
— Jonathan Swift

Be kind and considerate to others, depending somewhat upon who they are.
— Don Herold

Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I'll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.
— Charles Bukowski

Every prosperous person who does not work has a creative scheme that does.
— John Otway

Most people sell their souls, and live with a good conscience on the proceeds.
— Logan Pearsall Smith

I feel as I always have, except for an occassional heart attack.
— Robert Benchley

My Wife left me,
That I don't mind.
But taking the can opener
Was not all that kind.
— Graffiti

You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track, only to discover you're on the wrong train.
— Unknown funny wise person

Suffering is overrated. It doesn't teach you anything.
— Bill Veeck

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.
— W. C. Fields

What a man misses most in heaven is company.
— Mark Twain

You're just jealous because the voices in my head only talk to ME.
— Bumper Sticker

A WOMAN'S SINGLES POEM OR PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and still gainfully employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
— Unknown Funny Person

A MAN'S SINGLES POEM OR PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. I know this
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
— Unknown Funny Person
 

WEBSITE COPYRIGHT © 2011 by Ernie J. Zelinski

by Ernie J. Zelinski, Best-Selling Author 

The World's Best Retirement Book

 

 

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Daily Quote:

The law of floatation was not discovered by contemplating the sinking of things.
— Thomas Troward

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Second Quote of the Day

Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.
— Norman Vincent Peale   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Third Quote of the Day:

The most powerful force
in the Universe that can shatter
dreams is the dreamer.
— from Life's Secret Handbook" by Ernie J.Zelinsk